STFU With Your Fractions!

I'll admit it, where math is concerned I can add, subtract, divide and multiply. Hell, I have a calculator. :D But when it comes to fractions? Oh yeah, I know what a half is and a quarter - even three quarters. That's 75 cents, right? Why on earth, though, would anyone give you directions and tell you "After the curve, we're located just 3/8 of a mile so watch your "tach." Good thing I asked if it was on the right or left hand side of the street or that's all the directions I would have gotten.. Mapquest the person on the phone wasn't. Oh wait, even they don't get directions right.

My 2 p.m. appointment with the Iridologist, (someone who reads eyes and lets you know what's going on inside your body) whose business was located just "3/8 of a mile after the curve" was going to be interesting. My massage therapist recommended her and I trust my massage therapist, more than any doctor.

Several years back I consulted an Iridologist because my allergies were so bad. She told me to lay off the wheat and stay away from tomatoes. I did and voila my allergic reactions to everything subsided considerably. When I started eating wheat and tomatoes again (come on, I'm Italian; bread, pasta, tomato sauce are staples) my allergies returned with a vengeance.

Anyway, I left for my appointment and turned the curve a ways down. I looked at the "tach" (lol that's what this person said) and was like "Wtf? How can I tell 3/8 of a mile?" Well, there was a hill and he did mention that. "Right before the hill..." Or did he say, at the top of hill.

Guess I could call - if I had a cell phone. Just stfu about that too. I turned around and headed back home, livid at this dude's stupid directions and pissed at myself for not forcing him to be clearer. I dialed the number and said, "Yeah, this is me - 2 p.m.? I drove there, made the curve, found the hill, but can't find the damn house. Are you close to Don's? The Missionary Church?"

The dude starts again with his 3/8 and I said, "Look, I don't know from 3/8! Give me an address, a landmark, something."

"Don't you have a "tach" on your car?"

"Don't YOU have a damn address?"

He gives me an address and says, "Right after the curve it's just 3/8 of a mile."

At this point I'm thinking, dude, when I get there I'm gonna strangle you with 3/8 of a rope. "Is there a landmark, maybe?" Good. Purple sign. "Half way between the curve and the lake."

I hopped back in the car and started driving. After the turn I didn't even look at the "tach," but I kept an eye out for a "purple" sign. I drove up one hill and down. I drove up another hill and down. No purple sign in sight and I'd already gone more than a mile. When I hit the lake, I'm just gonna keep driving.

Finally, I spot a rosy-colored sign. Guess the dude is color-blind. It had some kind of flower on it, but no name. What the heck the Iridologist is an herbalist too, so maybe this is it. I turn onto the gravel road and am greeted by two ginormous dogs. They're looking at me just daring me to get out of the car. HA! Ain't gonna happen. There's no way I'm gonna be your din din. Hell, I didn't even know if I was in the right place.

Things happen for a reason and sometimes you should just listen to the universe and what's it saying. First, I was running late because I'm so thoroughly organized that when something isn't exactly where it's suppose to be, I go bonkers and for some reason, I can't find my check book, then there's more problems with avilo, then the first time around I can't find the place and finally, when I do, two monster-sized German Shepherds are looking at me and drooling.

After sitting there for a couple minutes, I turned the ignition on, looked at the dogs, cracked the window a bit and said, "Adios puppies! I ain't gonna be your damn dinner." Then some guy opens the door as I start to drive off. He waves, I put the car in reverse. "Is this the..." He nods and assures me the dogs are harmless and friendly. Mmmhmm.

"Well, here I am and you should really find a better way to direct people to this location." He looked at me like I was some kinda dumb blonde and in this case I was. He shrugged and said, "I really don't know any better way than to tell them 3.8 miles past the curve."

I'll never know why, when he initially gave me directions that I wrote it as 3/8 of a mile. Just LOFL! The dude must have thought I was some kind of dope. Even after he told me again and again, I kept hearing 3/8 of a mile.

Actually, we had a great laugh about the misunderstanding and that is, after all, what life is all about.