Some of us have been taught that "Our" lives are not ours to take. It's a mortal sin! It's murder of one's self. "Thou shalt not kill." Hmmm? Numerologists tell us that we have chosen this life - along with its people and circumstances - from which to learn. Therefore, should we decide to end it before its set date of completion, we're doomed to return and start all over - same people, same circumstances. That thought has kept me alive. I do believe there's even laws against taking ones own life. If that's true, it really isn't your life.
We can only speculate what drives a person to their own demise. Even suicide notes explaining why, offer little insight. It's not just a single event scribbled in a note; it's a lifetime of events that push people from the cliff.
For Annie, "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" and that sometimes gets people through the night to face another day. But what if day after day the sun doesn't shine? What if black, ominous clouds follow them throughout their days and only on rare occasion allow the sun to peek through? Is it okay to end their emotional suffering?
I've heard it said that people who choose to take their lives are weak? But are they really? Think about it! How hopeless, how unloved must one feel to face the great unknown; to end life thinking that death will be more than some black hole of oblivion?
Frankly, I don't believe people really want to end life, unless, due to illness, the end is inevitable and long-suffering. Emotionally distraught people just want to end the pain from which they've been unable to find relief.
Some suicides aren't spontaneous acts. The thought has weighed on their minds from the first experienced trauma. When the decision is finally made, it's methodically designed. Subconsciously, for years, they've began to get their house in order. Finally, the time is right. One more disappointment, failure, trauma, stressful situation, etc. and they're ready. Good-bye cruel world.
You laughed with them yesterday. You planned a trip with them for next month. You loved them. How could they do this? Why didn't you see this coming? What ifs race through your mind unceasingly. You feel like you're being punished. But for what crime? Obliviousness?
Some suicides hide their pain well. Even if you were aware of their sufferings, once they have decided to "end it all" there is nothing you can do to stop them, short of sitting with them 24/7 until the phase passes. You might report them, in which case they'd be stigmatized for the rest of their lives, causing even more trauma. Or you can convince them to get the proper help, via drugs and counseling, which aren't always effective and at times compound the problem, especially if they're reluctant to begin with. Yes, we're at a loss, because we're indecisive and fearful of doing something wrong. Plus, we have our own problems and hectic lives. So, we choose to remain uninvolved.
I've known people who have taken their lives. A boy in his teens, who by outwardly appearances had everything going for him, jumped in front of a train; a gay guy, who suffered from depression (most likely caused by the cruelty of others)had threatened and attempted suicide numerous times, was finally successful with booze and pills; an uncle, who put a gun to his head and blew his brains out.
There once was a girl, who, at eight, took a bottle of aspirin. Her stomach was pumped and she survived. But at ten she jumped off a roof. Again she survived. In her teens she became a cutter, actually slitting her wrists once, but only across the street, not down the road. The physical pain was more bearable. She's overdosed, but not enough to cause death. Numerous times she sat in a garage with the motor running, only to have neighbors report vapors seeping through the cracks.
She was a pretty girl, popular, witty, talented, smart; you'd have to wonder why anyone with all those attributes would want to die. Was she overly dramatic? In need of attention? Weak? How did life fail her? Who in life failed her? Or was she overly sensitive to her surroundings?
Sometimes I wonder if people who commit suicide just need to be in control of their own destiny. Like Bill Maher said, "Hey, God, you can't fire me; I quit!"
What's unsettling to those left behind is the lack of answers. We'll never truly know why; never truly know if there's something we might have said or done to prevent the suicide from happening; never know if an angel swept them away, or if they were cast into oblivion.
But I dare say, they found a cure for life.
(I inadvertently deleted someone's comment, because avilo was spamming me with comments. He obviously misinterpreted what I wrote. Anyways, I apologize).
