How Forgiving Are You? Or Are You Forgiving At All?

I have to admit that I'm not a forgiving person - once I've been betrayed, an apology doesn't turn things around for me. I live by the motto, "Shit on me once, shame on you. Shit on me twice, shame on me." You'd have to be some kind of idiot to go back for more, right?

It's not that I hold onto the betrayal - no, I won't do that to myself. When I finally realize that a person screwed me over, I simply create this fantabulous scenario in my mind where, he/she suffers greatly and then dies. Yes, in my mind they must die for their iniquities. But then it's over and done, whist never forgotten. It's just easier to forgive when they're dead and gone.

My mother had a daughter once - many years before giving birth to me - who had a tribe of little bastards and one day, after many betrayals - none of which I forgot - I placed them all in a cabin up in Sedona in the middle of winter and Kaboom baybay. Blown to smithereens. The final betrayal and they've all been dead to me ever since. So, yeah, I write my little fantasy stories and it gets me through life. We all, each and everyone of us, have our ways of coping with life. This works for me.

When I was three I was raped by my sitter's brother. No biggie, because consciously I didn't remember the incident; the memory - not the event - came much later and he was no more than maybe 12 from what I recollect.

Throughout my childhood I was molested by every pervert that came within close proximity. A friend's grandfather, a man from my father's business, who "Finds great pleasure in taking a little girl to kiddyland and the zoo," (my mother was all too willing to be free of me for a day - no I never forgave her)a man who owned a little neighborhood grocery store, the father of kids I babysat with once, a customer of my father's, who would let me sit on his lap and pretend to drive the car. What a thrill for a little girl - even more of a thrill for a pervert. LOL! Oh, and let us not forget, my mother's husband, who told a 10 year old it was okay, because he wasn't her real dad. Yeah, these things happen even with the well-to-do.

In my teens, I suffered two rapes. The first by a high school friend. The other by a man who offered to help me out of a sticky situation. LOL. There were two attempted rapes in my early teens that I was fortunate to avoid. One, due to the kindness of a stranger and another due to a bottle of wine. Several years after the second rape, I encountered that "helpful" man in church. He was taking collections and sat with his wife and kids. When he came to my pew, the blood drained from his face. Wonder why? Of course if he was repentant, God can forgive him. I'm not God.

So, can I forgive all these perverts that caused me harm? Can I even make excuses for them? For the longest time I thought I was some awful person to attract these kinds of people. I know better now. I know it wasn't my fault. But the memories are still there, buried deep in my subconscious, locked safely away until something happens that allows them to escape.

They escape when I let my guard down and semi-trust someone. (Yeah, unbelievable that I have trust issues LOL) only to learn I've, once again, been betrayed. Then, I have the daunting task of gathering all those memories and locking them up again.(Do traumatized children ever really forget the trauma?).

I've never been good at relationships, because I'm not trusting; therefore, I avoid them. I remain uninvolved and uncommitted. I'm actually much happier that way. Life shouldn't be taken seriously and when one allows the seriousness of a relationship to enter their lives, they foolishly expect fairytale endings. Well honestly, folks, what comes after "...and they lived happily ever after?" The end! LOFL!

If you open the door to a person you know is untrustworthy, you deserve a kick in the ass. But what constitutes a liar or a cheat? Can you forgive little white lies? "No that dress doesn't make your ass look big." Strangely, I can't. That's a betrayal to me. How could someone who cares about you, let you go out in an outfit that makes your ass look big? I could never trust that person again. Can you forgive someone who cheats on their taxes? Well, for heaven's sake, who doesn't? But if they cheat the government so easily, what would prevent them from cheating on anything/anyone else?

Is it okay if you're in a relationship, to flirt? If you're a known flirt, which I am, and you know I am, guess it should be over-looked, right? Or is it dependent upon how far the flirtations go? If someone flirts with explicit sexual connotations and innuendos, with the same person, not just once, but over a period of months, even inviting the person to meet with them, is that flirting or cheating? Should that be over-looked, forgiven and forgotten? Dealt with? Is it an unfortunate "Mistake" if it happened over and over? Is it okay to lie (deny) about what happened for "Good reason." Can you ever trust the person again? Or are you just being a dope, who is taking a little indiscretion too seriously?

So, how forgiving are you? Or are you forgiving at all?

You can post your comments anonymously. But please do comment. Too often people read and think their comment or input isn't important - it really is.