I have to admit that I'm not a forgiving person - once I've been betrayed, an apology doesn't turn things around for me. I live by the motto, "Shit on me once, shame on you. Shit on me twice, shame on me." You'd have to be some kind of idiot to go back for more, right?
It's not that I hold onto the betrayal - no, I won't do that to myself. When I finally realize that a person screwed me over, I simply create this fantabulous scenario in my mind where, he/she suffers greatly and then dies. Yes, in my mind they must die for their iniquities. But then it's over and done, whist never forgotten. It's just easier to forgive when they're dead and gone.
My mother had a daughter once - many years before giving birth to me - who had a tribe of little bastards and one day, after many betrayals - none of which I forgot - I placed them all in a cabin up in Sedona in the middle of winter and Kaboom baybay. Blown to smithereens. The final betrayal and they've all been dead to me ever since. So, yeah, I write my little fantasy stories and it gets me through life. We all, each and everyone of us, have our ways of coping with life. This works for me.
When I was three I was raped by my sitter's brother. No biggie, because consciously I didn't remember the incident; the memory - not the event - came much later and he was no more than maybe 12 from what I recollect.
Throughout my childhood I was molested by every pervert that came within close proximity. A friend's grandfather, a man from my father's business, who "Finds great pleasure in taking a little girl to kiddyland and the zoo," (my mother was all too willing to be free of me for a day - no I never forgave her)a man who owned a little neighborhood grocery store, the father of kids I babysat with once, a customer of my father's, who would let me sit on his lap and pretend to drive the car. What a thrill for a little girl - even more of a thrill for a pervert. LOL! Oh, and let us not forget, my mother's husband, who told a 10 year old it was okay, because he wasn't her real dad. Yeah, these things happen even with the well-to-do.
In my teens, I suffered two rapes. The first by a high school friend. The other by a man who offered to help me out of a sticky situation. LOL. There were two attempted rapes in my early teens that I was fortunate to avoid. One, due to the kindness of a stranger and another due to a bottle of wine. Several years after the second rape, I encountered that "helpful" man in church. He was taking collections and sat with his wife and kids. When he came to my pew, the blood drained from his face. Wonder why? Of course if he was repentant, God can forgive him. I'm not God.
So, can I forgive all these perverts that caused me harm? Can I even make excuses for them? For the longest time I thought I was some awful person to attract these kinds of people. I know better now. I know it wasn't my fault. But the memories are still there, buried deep in my subconscious, locked safely away until something happens that allows them to escape.
They escape when I let my guard down and semi-trust someone. (Yeah, unbelievable that I have trust issues LOL) only to learn I've, once again, been betrayed. Then, I have the daunting task of gathering all those memories and locking them up again.(Do traumatized children ever really forget the trauma?).
I've never been good at relationships, because I'm not trusting; therefore, I avoid them. I remain uninvolved and uncommitted. I'm actually much happier that way. Life shouldn't be taken seriously and when one allows the seriousness of a relationship to enter their lives, they foolishly expect fairytale endings. Well honestly, folks, what comes after "...and they lived happily ever after?" The end! LOFL!
If you open the door to a person you know is untrustworthy, you deserve a kick in the ass. But what constitutes a liar or a cheat? Can you forgive little white lies? "No that dress doesn't make your ass look big." Strangely, I can't. That's a betrayal to me. How could someone who cares about you, let you go out in an outfit that makes your ass look big? I could never trust that person again. Can you forgive someone who cheats on their taxes? Well, for heaven's sake, who doesn't? But if they cheat the government so easily, what would prevent them from cheating on anything/anyone else?
Is it okay if you're in a relationship, to flirt? If you're a known flirt, which I am, and you know I am, guess it should be over-looked, right? Or is it dependent upon how far the flirtations go? If someone flirts with explicit sexual connotations and innuendos, with the same person, not just once, but over a period of months, even inviting the person to meet with them, is that flirting or cheating? Should that be over-looked, forgiven and forgotten? Dealt with? Is it an unfortunate "Mistake" if it happened over and over? Is it okay to lie (deny) about what happened for "Good reason." Can you ever trust the person again? Or are you just being a dope, who is taking a little indiscretion too seriously?
So, how forgiving are you? Or are you forgiving at all?
You can post your comments anonymously. But please do comment. Too often people read and think their comment or input isn't important - it really is.
14 comments:
Okay, what is it with you lately? Usually when I come here and read a post, I lofl. Lately, your posts have been so morbid and depressing. What's going on?
We're taught to forgive. Doesn't mean you're going to forget. And I don't think anyone should. That would just be dumb.
But after reading what you went through as a youngster, I'm beginning to understand you a bit better.
Hugs
“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” ~Thomas S. Szasz, Hungarian psychiatrist and Professor of Psychiatry Emeritus at State University of New York Health Science Center in Syracuse, b.1920
I feel for you, I really do. I can't count the amount of times I have been betrayed, over seventy-five percent having to due with relationships. No wonder I have trust issues as well and have constant thoughts of why bother staying in a relationship.
I know quite a few people who have been raped. I have absolutely no sympathy for those people who do it, especially pedophiles. It's completely vile and I would say how could people even do that, but I guess it's either some strange mind set or possibly a mental condition. It just isn't right.
i'm sorry that all happened, i don't think you should have an eye for an eye mentality, people make mistakes though those were harsh ones.
I love you, hugs ya tight. Please don't feel sad or depressed. ♥ Everything will get better, i'll hold ya in my arms too.
Yep, you'd be an idiot for sure.
I can see forgiving a 12 year old kid, who was probably just experimenting, and at three you probably don't even remember the actual incident. The others were just "perverts" like you said.
Parents are your guardians. They're suppose to protect you. Your life was put in their hands. Your parents failed you miserably and for that I'm sorry.
So who protects you? You've learned that you have only yourself, because others can not be trusted. It's a rough road to go, but I understand why you feel as you do.
I'm going to disagree with you about the "happily ever after" bit. You can't be with someone and constantly be happy. There's always going to be problems, but problems can be resolved. That's where communication is key in any relationship. I think a lack of communication leads to infidelities, but everyone perceives cheating differently.
Someone might say, "I didn't have sex and, therefore, I didn't cheat." I disagree. If they can't tell you about a conversation they had with someone, or would not have had the very same conversation with you present - they were cheating.
There is no way a partner doesn't know they were breaking your heart. Whatever they say, whatever they claim, they had to know it was wrong or they wouldn't have kept it secret. This is not only a betrayal, it is blatant disrespect to their partner. They cheated with their head and their heart. To many people, myself included, this is worse than cheating sexually.
Why would anyone want to be with a person who would knowingly do such a thing? There are no excuses. Why would anyone want to be with someone whose promise means nothing?
I agree with anon, who quoted, "The wise forgive, but never forget."
Life is a lesson. Learn it, don't stop living it.
I know you're going to be upset with me for posting on "YOUR" blog, but you refuse my calls and won't answer you door so, this is my last resort.
We've known each other for a long time. We've shared intimate details of our lives. We've cried together and laughed together and I think I know you better than anyone on the face of this earth.
Losing you was one of the saddest days of my life and, at times, I still wonder what I could have done differently, but you were hell bent on making the wrong choice, as usual. Can I blame you for me making a wrong choice?
I've told you before and I'll tell you again - you made a mistake. Please come back to reality for your own sake. Stop closing your eyes to the truth. Things (and you know what I'm talking about) were wrong from the beginning.
If nothing else, I'm still your friend and will be always. Let me help you collect those bad memories and put a better lock on that box. Please? Give me a chance.
I checked back to see if you had the guts to publish my comment. First one you've published. That's a step in the right direction.
Now answer your phone. Want to know how the closing went.
@first anon after avilo...You probably understood what I was saying better than anyone. Yes, parents are suppose to be guardians - you put that so eloquently.
The first people you trust are your parents, if they fail you, it's hard to trust anyone after that. And, yes, I've always felt as if the only person I could depend on was myself. But I can't even trust myself sometimes. LOL
And I agree with you about "cheating;" however, like I said, I'm admittedly a flirt, but I don't get intimate or share my heart or proposition those with whom I flirt. Nevertheless, I wouldn't share my "innocent" flirtations with whomever I'm with at the time.
When I flirt, I don't see it as "breaking someone's heart," I just see it as playful banter.
Thanks for your comment...it makes a lot of sense and gives food for thought.
Hey, anon above, you may want to put a "lock on the box" with your actual wife.
I would go back to YOUR reality. "If nothing else..." yes i am sure it is "nothing else." Slap yourself back to reality, you are married. Might wanna even take a second to read the blog, ya think?
She also didn't make a mistake. She just fell in love with someone who also immensely loves her back. There's nothing wrong with that.
Things were not wrong since the beginning. Now run along to your wife.
@mikey...stfu. you never got me and never will. but thanks for comment. lol
@Anon #1. Makes sense and that's kind of what I said. I forgive em after fantasy murder. hahaha. But yeah, I never forget.
@Anon#2. Sorry, you've suffered in so many relationships. I haven't suffered too many because I don't let myself get involved. But yeah, when you do, it sucks. hahaha.
I oft times wonder about child molesters and rapists and mostly feel sorry for them because it's not about sex, it's about control. So undoubtedly they've never felt control and most likely, they too, were victims.
Thanks for your comments.
@Anon 4 and 5 - I don't know why I even published these comments. I shouldn't have. But thanks for the sentiment. We have a history and because of that, friendship is difficult. Obviously, if it didn't work out the first time, it wouldn't work now.
But to be perfectly honest, you made the biggest mistake. Literally! You made your bed, now lie in it.
@avilo's first comment - you don't think an "eye for an eye" is the right "mentality," oh Forgiving One? "Forgive and forget" then? According to anon #1, that makes you naive.
But thanks for the nice sentiment and the ♥. Still don't think you understand though.
@avilo's second comment - Way to start a war. *glares* You crack me up.
well you specifically asked for a comment, so I'll give my input for what it's worth. English is not my native language so please disregard missuse of words or expressions.
I see a big difference between forgiving, and letting go. How can I forgive what has been done? Can I really look back at betrayal and be ok with the act? Maybe, if I accept for myself that all behavior is just a mix of genetic predetermination, prior conditioning, outside stimuli and cognitive dissonance. But then life is just a program running it's unchanging routines, and there is nothing to forgive because nothing matters.
As long as I assume there is an element of choice, however abysmal it may be, betrayal in itself can never be acceptable. So forgiving is out of the question.
I can however let go of the pain and the grudge, move on with my life. This allows me to reevaluate what a past betrayal means for me, why it may have happened and what my own part in it was. Not too rarely I can decide that I still want the "perpetrator" in my life, albeit most likely with a more careful relation.
And I forget. That's a level of naivety that I suffer gladly. People are all deeply flawed and everyone does things that could be seen as unacceptable by some. As long as no undue harm is caused, I believe that in many cases both I and the other deserve to have another try without the baggae of before.
I haven't made a blog post for a long while, but occasionally I check back to see if I still have viewers. I'm happy that I checked back today and saw your comment, Felix. Thank you.
If English isn't your first language, you write it better than a lot "Born in America" people. You're to be commended. :)
I appreciate the fact that you took time from your life to comment and I assure you I will read it several times (after more coffee) so that I can digest what you wrote in order to determine if I agree or disagree.
Thanks again.
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